when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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