i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
