it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
