Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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