I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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