if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
