I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
