i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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