I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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