am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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