Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
