I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
