Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
