Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
