You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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