My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
