i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
