would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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