Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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