I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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