You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
