My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm like, not good at living.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize