Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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