I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
