he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
