i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
