thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
