I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
