i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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