update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
