Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
