Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
