Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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