does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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