i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize