If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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