Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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