Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
