You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
