i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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