There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
