it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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