fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
