I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
