The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
