Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
