I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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