I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
