i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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