my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
