Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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