fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We named our party play list daddy issues
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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