A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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