brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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