once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
