Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
