I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
