How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
