The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
