It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
