i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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